Bitterness in your Marriage? I think it’s inevitable in blended families. Check this out!
Mark Merrill is one of my favorites. He ties in Christian concepts to marriage and blended families, with the spice of an athletic background. His articles are short, practical and just awesome! Check this one out!
The other day my husband was leaving the locker room, when a teammate stormed in the door, nearly knocking him over. The teammate was holding his phone at about arms length, and screaming in to it’s speaker. “I hope you drive into a tree and die!! I hate you!! Do us both a favor and just kill yourself!! I’m already paying $200 every two weeks for his insurance, this is outrageous!!” As this conversation progressed, my husband discovered his friend was talking to the mother of his infant child. It was pretty clear that they were no longer together, and that this man really had no intentions of a relationship with her.
My husbands texts were awkward to read. He was sending me a detailed blow by blow of what his teammate was yelling, along with the responses of their colleagues in the locker room who were witnessing this terribly sad moment. My husband finally texted, “do you think I should talk to him?” Gulp. Oh, the shame. The moment when my heart ached to say “no,” so that we too, wouldn’t be on the front page of this weeks dugout tabloid. ‘No,’ so that we wouldn’t be the talk of the locker room, because no one wants that. I stuffed my inadequate feelings down and simply said, “You’ve been there. In fact, haven’t you said those same words before? I think this is a great opportunity to share your experiences and pray for him. Let’s take him to dinner this week.”
It continues my friends. Last night I sent a sweet girlfriend photographs of her man while he was at the plate, and just a simple, “hope you’re well,” text. Her response, “Thanks for the pictures. But I just found out my man has been cheating on me and I’m not sure what to do.” Mind you, I hardly know this precious lady and she went there. Gulp. Again, the feeling of shame and the hot itchiness on my face. My initial response was to say, “I am so sorry to hear this. What can I do to help?” I lingered over the ‘send’ button for a moment, and then felt a rush of strength and courage in my heart. A peace that filled me up to the brim, despite the hurt I knew I was about to reopen. Instead I sent, “Wow, I am so sorry. I’ve been there, and I know how much this hurts. How are you doing?”
In the course of a week, we’ve been humbly reminded that this life isn’t really about baseball, or playing every day, or who has the better batting average. This is a blessing, an opprotunity, for my husband and I to open our hearts to each person God has specifically placed near us. He clearly has placed them with purpose! Opening my heart is new to me. It requires admitting that my husband had a child out of wedlock, or that I’m a ‘dreaded’ step mom, or that my husband was unfaithful to me during our engagement and early months of our marriage, or that I lusted over the attentions of other men while he traveled out of town. These are things we’ve worked so hard to hide, to bury, if you will. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Especially if you’re in the public eye. We forgot that we’re sinners through and through. We forgot that God calls on us to mentor and support those around us, and if we don’t share our stories, how can we possibly connect with these men and their families? We confessed, we have the strength of our Savior filling our souls, and I look forward to going forth in this journey with confidence about my story.
“Your testimonies are my delight; they are my counselors.”
Psalm 119:24
I sit here, alone, at my kitchen table as I write this. There are tears drying on my face, and scars of our pasts are throbbing. My heart aches for us both.
I just got off the phone with my husband, who is out of town for an away series with his team, and I can’t help but wish. When I wish I really struggle to leave well enough alone which surely leaves me in a pool of tears. I always take my selfish wishes to extremes, so let me break down my wishful thoughts for you.
“I wish we didn’t have to deal with this custody battle right now.”
“I wish we didn’t have to deal with a custody battle at all.”
“I wish baby’s mom didn’t have to fight about everything.”
“I wish baby’s mom wasn’t even in our lives.”
“I wish my husband never slept with her.”
Please don’t interpret this as me wishing baby wasn’t here. I love her with every ounce of my being, and I know children are a perfect blessing from God. What I mean is that I never thought I would become a teen mom, by marriage, and deal with the consequences of premarital sex for the rest of my life.
For the young people reading this, the unmarried people reading this, I wish I could open my heart to you personally. I’ll do my best here. I never wanted to have sex before I was married, and I made it all the way through high school without giving in to the pressures that called. On New Year’s eve, six months after high school, I lost my virginity to a man six years older than me that I thought I loved. I really thought it was a reasonable choice at the time. It was only the start of a downward cycle where I would give my body away to more men than I wish to admit over the course of my college career. I wish I could go back and tell my 18 year old self that sex doesn’t mean love. I wish I could tell my 18 year old self that once I let go of that purity, it would be easier to just keep letting go. I wish I could tell my 18 year old self that one day I would have to lay out every detail of my past to the man I wished to commit my life to. I wish I could tell me 18 year old self that one day, I would be walking down the aisle with the memories of each man who had touched my body still in my mind. No one told me that having sex before marriage would make your heart feel as though it were ripped from your chest. No one told me that little pieces of my heart would linger with the men I laid with. No one told me that it would take years to repair the damage; even today I wear the hurt of those choices. The choices you make today can’t be erased in the future. God has not left me to fight this battle alone, and I pray for peace and healing constantly.
I even slept with my husband before we were married. We both had been baptized as Christians years prior to this, yet we still thought it was appropriate to engage in pre marital sex. Even that choice causes me pain now. Thoughts run across my mind that I know in my heart of hearts aren’t true, but Satan still speaks them to me. Things like, “Did he really know your heart before he proposed to you? Or did he just like what he saw in bed?” “Would he approve of his daughter sleeping with her fiancé? Then how can he truly approve of me?” “Does he really respect me for my heart and mind?” These are mere thoughts my friends, but I promise that you will carry this brokenness on into your life. Pre-marital sex weighs on my marriage, every day. Our daughter is a blessing that comes with the trials of child support, custody battles, and constant conflict. We became parents at age nineteen, and again I am so very blessed, but I wouldn’t wish that challenge on anyone. My husband also shares the importance of abstaining; he says it’s his biggest regret. My husband and baby’s mom weren’t even twenty years old before they had created a broken home for a beautiful and fragile infant.
I urge you now to commit to saving yourself for marriage. If you’re already having sex, it is not too late. Start the healing now. I used to roll my eyes at the thought of saving myself until marriage. I wish someone would have told me the pain and heartbreak that not waiting would cause. Honor God; honor the purity and body that he has given you. I wish that I had.
“The king is enthralled by your beauty, honor him, for he is your lord.”
Psalms 45:11 NIV
Blessedly Blended 